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hey obama [Jul. 4th, 2008|05:00 pm]
hey obama.

this fourth of july i was thinking about you
wondering why you're becoming so moderate
your audacious hope, now just a middle of the road bore
your better than mccain but just by a hair
six months ago, i thought you might stay cool
now i don't even know if i'll vote for you.
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hmm tonight [Jun. 9th, 2008|11:03 pm]
A short snippet of my evening.

I arrived at chess club, and Stan was there, along with 2 kids probably 7 and 12. They were playing, so I played Stan a few games. Won all 3 of them. Nothing very exciting or intriguing. Didn't really expect him to win, there has been an inverse relationship between his chess ability and how pathetic his stories are. He told me the same jokes this week as last month when I went, even though I said the punchlines about 2 sentences into the joke, he continued to tell them anyway. And he told me how much of a mess the I.O.O.F. is. No surprise there, I'd heard about that before.

Then after my 3 games with him, I got to play Harry. 2-3 years ago, I only got to play Harry every couple weeks, around a year ago, I got to play him about every week. The last six months, a couple times a week. He always used to beat me, quite handily. Then, the last time we played, I won one, he won one, I lost one on time, he lost another while he was losing on time. Anyway, tonight, when I played him, I was expecting it to be about even. While I was playing Stan, I looked over at Harry playing someone..Mike? anyway, I could tell Harry wasn't happy about how slow his opponent was, or how easy he was. So when I got to play him, I could tell Harry was ready for some fun, a little more competitive of a game I guess.

The first game was an Italian Opening, with me as black, I thought he would aim for f7 like he normally does, but he didn't and I pretty well tossed him around that game. The second game was a mainline QGD. It was even worse for him the first game. I could tell he was upset about losing the first game to me, and by the time he lost the second, he was real grumpy. At one point, he lost a couple pawns (that he had overextended on the queenside) then managed to drop his knight and here comes the cincher quote of the week in chess.

Harry: "Well this is the worst game of chess I've ever played."
1 minute later, after he thinks about some of response to Qxd4.(he resigned 5 moves later).
Harry: "Since my last tournament at least." Then he gave me the middle finger. It was pretty much the funniest thing to ever occur at the old world deli. Mostly because he normally seems like a stick-in-the-mud sorta uptight 60 year old person.

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not a dinosaur comic, but still good. [Jun. 2nd, 2008|04:32 pm]
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this may be a bit premature [May. 25th, 2008|08:57 am]
[mood |Upbeat]

So, for the last decade or more, we've had 2 scottish terriers. Last May (20th), the older one died. A year later, our second one, Bruce, fell ill. Yesterday, the 24th, he didn't eat anything, and couldnt move his back legs very much. He just sort of lay on the floor, looking pathetic. He lost bowel control, etc. So we pretty much assumed he was dying. Then this morning at breakfast, we were having French Toast, and Bruce was laying about as he had last night, on his side, labored breathing, etc. And my mom says something to the extent of "if he gets better, we should rename him Lazarus". Not more than 15 seconds later, he stands upright, goes and gets a drink of water, walks outside, eats some doggy treats I tried to give him yesterday and comes back inside. Legs fine, nothing appears to make him any different today than he was on Friday. Then goes to his bowl of food and starts eating his crunchies. So I started calling him Lazarus.

I hope you all will admire his tenacity.
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random thoughts [May. 2nd, 2008|08:50 am]
so, when I woke up this morning, and I was eating my eggs toast and banana for breakfast, I was thinking.

Theres a big preocupation with death in just about every culture. I'd assume this is due to the "finality" of it as well as the inevitability, and how one directional it seems. (The living die, but the dead never live).

Then I was like, why does that even matter?

From a pragmatic standpoint theres really three options that can happen.

1. Nothing happens, your consciousness ceases to exist and you do not have to worry about what happens afterwords because nothing happens.

2. Whatever happens is so foreign to our reality, that we are unable to properly comprehend the differences between this life and the "afterlife". It might be like trying to compare the US constitution to a single coral polyp, or a supernova. And not even that similar, but rather billions of times differenter (more different?). And you have no reason to worry because you cannot objectively or subjectively compare the two.

3. There is an "afterlife" and it is comparable to our own reality. Physics, matter, time, earthlike, etc. In which case, you do not need to worry about it because it is essentially the same.

So basically, what I'm trying to say is that, I don't get the whole preocupation with death from a pragmatic standpoint. And I like to procrastinate on my papers.
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[Mar. 7th, 2008|06:39 pm]
my next gripe are socks.

what is so fucking hard about making a decent pair of socks? If you were a sock for more than like 3 hours it has a hole in it, 100% of the time. I put on this pair like 7 hours ago, and now looking at them, they've got like 4 holes in them. fuck you socks, learn to be better.
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my biggest gripe right now [Mar. 7th, 2008|09:51 am]
As the title says, I will be sharing with you my biggest gripe at the current moment. So without further ado here it is.

I HATE IT WHEN MICROWAVES UNEVENLY MELT THE CHEESE ON MY NACHOS.

is it that hard to melt the cheese in the center without burning the cheese 2 inches away? god damn you microwave, why cant you cook evenly?!


but I love nachos, so I can't stop.
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i love livin' in the homocene. [Feb. 21st, 2008|09:32 am]
i like to think of humans as similar to the KT event, or the permian extinction. over this extremely short time period (10,000 years) we will have wiped out more than 50% of species, including the vast majority of the megafauna. Then we will die off, and hundreds of millions of years from now, something will come along and say "you can look at the trace elements of humanity and we can extrapolate the death of the biosphere around them" and I justify living beyond our means this way. We're just serving our role in nature. We aren't meant to coexist and survive, we are meant to flare up and destroy and then die. I keep whispering this to myself as I eat another bagel, as I drink another coffee, as I read the morning newspaper.

homework for monday: Read the Lorax by Dr. Seuss.
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You probably don't have the patience to read all this. [Feb. 7th, 2008|09:05 pm]
[mood | thoughtful]

delay of gratification = hypocrisy
job training = ridiculous
breaking wave of civilization

this post will ramble about those three sort of topics above. that probably don't make much sense, as they were just notes I took to remind myself to think about more, and write about. I am posting it here because I don't keep an actual journal, and I type faster than I can handwrite, and its so much more legible.

Step 1.
Delay of Gratification = Hypocrisy

This won't make any sense to the rest of you, I'd imagine. But I will try anyway. Basically my whole life so far, has been a delay of gratification. School, more school. Reading, 'responsibility', etc. I have this urge to let go of all this and run and take what I want, and do what I want, and not leave anything for later. But I have been so indoctrinated to think that if I was just wantonly hedonistic and sensualistic (as in trying new experiences) I would end up just some low class slob living in a trailer watching south park and barely being literate. Probably voting republican and demanding welfare and having twelve kids or something. That definitely doesn't sound pleasurable to me. But its kind of the prototypical low class hedon that is relishing in all the worst aspects of American consumerism and hubris. I have this voice warning me "finish that book, finish college, get a job, retire, Or else you'll end up like that". And I shiver, I shudder, I work towards my degree. But really, the only reason I think that would happen if I didn't have a delay of gratification sensor is because I bought into the system. It is what teaches me that as a middle class white male I must stay away from immediacy. I must keep my distance from my pleasure. It will come next week, month, year. When I retire. When I die. Christ in the afterlife will make sure I am happy. But I am slowly coming to hate the hypocrisy in me that I do my best to be stoic (in some regards), to delay my impulses until later, when the only reason I am doing that is because a civilization I can't stand has told me that is the right thing to do if I don't want to end up as something to be reviled.

Step 2.
Job Training = Ridiculous

By job training, I of course mean the whole career system that has come about in the last 50 years or so. Theres so many people in our economy, we certainly can't have a guild system, with apprentices and journeymen and handywork. We have high school, and college, and graduate school, then our careers. It seems like this strange pile of manhours are building up, and thats why they are creating this strange factories for 'teaching' us and 'training' us. Speaking in generalizations here but: when WWII, a high school diploma was enough to get you to plenty of jobs that would keep you occupied until you died, if you wanted to excell you would go to college for your bachelors. when the babyboomers hit the workforce, suddenly a bachelors degree was what was needed to secure a job that will be 'good'. When GenX hit, they needed a masters, or a doctorate, etc. Now, for the post GenX generation, well we certainly haven't seen what the labor market will look like, we are gearing them up to require as much training as Gen X got. Certainly every generation has to suprass the previous one. Otherwise, how can you call yourself human? When you combine average life span, and global population also in the period between 1945-2000, you see this enormous job from 2 billion to 6 billion people, this life span increase thanks to medicine of, depending on where you life of course, to approximately 70 years old from ~50. Pre-Industrial, you could be happy to live to 50, averages might tend closer to 40-45. So we have this strange phenomenon in my mind of a massively swelling work force that lives longer and has nothing to do except to delay their entry by getting more training that has been 'accumulated' by the past generations. And thats where we get to step 3.

Step 3.
Profit.

The breaking wave of civilization. When you stop and look around at your world. Or more specifically, when I stop and look around my world. I see this enormously wealthy, exploitative system that has built up to value commodoties, and seek profit. But, how long can this system really go on? I could quote models and figures and statistics, but I feel safe to assume that even without doing so all of you will believe that right now we are about as materially wealthy as the planet could ever support. Soon enough this strange capitalistic globalized economy will collide with dwindling natural resources, and human ingenuity. I don't want to sound like a doomsday preacher, but I can't imagine a future of 2050 that is remotely similar in lifestyle to how we live today. So we have this strange workforce that is specially trained for niches, like me, the Historian, able to read and write and analyze and cite primary sources. Or you have the sociologist who gathers census data, or the pharmaceutical engineer who cooks up a cocktail that makes your brain produce twice as much of a pheromone as someone 65 should. But as the civilization descends from its zenith, we will be left holding our diplomas in our hands, wondering where we go from here. I wish I had better prepared myself, but I will enjoy surfing this wave until my life ends, even if I am straddling two worlds. A world of the future, and a world of the past.
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[Feb. 6th, 2008|10:27 am]
lately I've been having dreams of me being really drunk in various houses, or wandering the streets of corvallis (while I'm real drunk). I think all those blacked out memories are finally finding a way back into my brain. But when I wake up, they vanish as fast as it came.

This tenuous grasp on the past I am trying to achieve just makes it all the more frustrating. Maybe if I get drunk again and do my best to supress the memories while I am drunk, it will come back to haunt me that night while I sleep.

Why would I just now have a dream about drinking way too much rum around the firepit at Manee's old house on Stone street?
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gah [Jan. 20th, 2008|07:38 pm]
"65% of people surveyed believed the number one way to attract more chess players to the game would be making it easier to learn"

Wow, 65% of people surveyed think making chess easier to learn would make it more popular? How about we drop back to the 16th century when Bishops and Rooks could only move 1 square at a time. Thats pretty simple. Maybe we can do away with castling and en passant and pawn promotion. This simplification process sure will attract alot of people to playing an easy to learn game. WTF?! How do you make chess easier to learn?

Step 1: take your head out of your ass.
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More rambling [Jan. 12th, 2008|11:19 am]
[mood | listless]

Normally people give an update on what is happening in their life, when things actually happen. Jobs, girlfriends, moving, graduating, cars, arrests, etc. I am going to take a break from that and just ramble about what I was thinking about in the bathtub this morning (no dirty thoughts for you looking for juicy details).

I was sitting there, reading about the 'revolution', you know that ephemeral ideal that people advocating social change always whisper about. "The revolution's coming" is often said, but there really isn't any further development than that. So my brain starts whispering to me "that could be you, you could do that" and as always I tell it to be quiet.

This is now where I will get into the bulk of my thoughts this morning. As long as I can remember, there is this voice in my head that tells me 'You will do something great, you will change the world' and other things of a similar vein. When I watch a movie like the Matrix, or read Ender's game, I get this shiver in my spine as my brain subconsciously intuits "thats what you'll do, you'll be a messiah of sorts". And whenever I get this feeling, I have to convince myself "Alex, shut the fuck up, you aren't going to change anything, you aren't incredibly smart, or funny, or dedicated, you are just a nobody with dellusions of grandeur. Go back to fitting in". This quiets my innervoice for a while, but then a few weeks later I will be watching a movie, or reading a book, and my spine will tingle again, my heart will race, my brain will alert itself. My body is trying to inspire me to greatness, as I try to convince it that its illogical and absurd.

But every once and a while, such as when I was in the bathtub, I can't convince my brain otherwise. I just sit there stewing. Imagining, to quote Fight Club, what would happen if I 'just ran with it' and saw how far I could go, how much I could change, what might be accomplished with unbridled dedication to some desire. Then after a few minutes, such as now, that excitement has died down, and I've reminded myself that this is just some sort of end-life crisis. I say end-life, because the term mid-life is really misleading. This is a crisis about what I have done so far (my life) and what I want to do in the future (my desires). This exact moment is the end of my life, so far as I have experienced it. The future isn't my life, so to call this my 'mid-life' is to get into a relativistic mess, but basically, it just is giving me an excuse to put things off longer. After all, I've got 1/2 my life ahead of me, right?. This is a turning point for me though, I will finish college in June. I will have a degree, and I will have to pick what to do next. So far up to this point, while I have had the option of not going to college, not graduating CHS, really I have just been coasting, and not living very much. Independence will kick in to the power of 10 when I graduate. I can't really sit around delaying life much longer after that. Will that be when I just 'run with it' and see how far I can go? Or will I suppress my impulses, and buckle down, only to have another end-life crisis in 20 or 40 or 60 years, where I realize I haven't changed anything, I was only kidding myself as a child when I thought my life would be something monumental.

Thats enough rambling for now. But it was really only about 1/2 of my bathtub thoughts that I shared. I hope you gain more insight about me via reading this than you would have if I posted a survey about my five favorite foods and six things I bought last week.
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My new years resolution [Jan. 10th, 2008|07:09 pm]
[Current Location |home]
[mood |inspired]
[music |never]

Mariah challenged me on New Years Day (approx) to come up with a good resolution. I debated various options and didn't come up with anything that insightful. Then I decided I would try to lose weight. But then I decided that was pretty blasé. So I came up with the new resolution today, of trying to outread my friends. Really the only person I can think of who reads more than me, that I am aware of is Mariah. So far this year, I have read about ~500 pages. (notice the redundancy in the about & the tilde) I figure if I can keep up 100 pages a day throughout the year, it will be a pretty epic accomplishment. Somedays I will read more, somedays less. If you think you can outread me, tell me how much you read, and I will race you. Maybe at seemingly random intervals I will make a pictograph of pages read.

PS: This obviously will be difficult for me to beat you if you do that stupid speed reading with your fingers.
PPS: You don't count Forthright
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Where in the world is mueller? [Dec. 19th, 2007|01:05 am]
Well, as many of you may have noted. I have been strangely absent from the world since friday. Don't blame yourselves, this isn't your problem. I've been fighting some mysterious illness. Somedays it is like a cold, some days it gives me a fever, or a sore throat, or just general aches. I don't want to be sick, but I havent really been up to doing anything in a while. Besides a little roleplaying when I desperate for excursions. I hope to be healthy soon, and see you all by this weekend.

Gute Nacht
Herr Mueller
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Turns out there is too much of a good thing. [Dec. 6th, 2007|08:09 am]
[mood | giddy]

So, normally I don't remember my dreams at all. I just sort of toss and turn and wake up in the morning and say "I bet that was fun", but I have heard that once you start dreaming in a language it shows a certain level of fluency.

Last night, far from dreaming in another language, I dreamt I was revising my essay on the Peisistratid tyranny in Athens. I think this shows to myself that, despite any doubts I had while I was AWAKE, that my subconscious mind has a pretty good comprehension on the subject.

My Greek History (Minoan Civ thru Pentekontaeteia) final went from 6-8 PM, consisted of 3 essays, and 10 write down the author and source of quotations Identifications. The majority came from a few of Plutarch's Lives (Themistocles, Solon, Aristides, Cimon, Pericles) and from books 8 and 9 of Herodotus. Along with P.'s funeral oration, and Xenophon's the Old Oligarch. And I had read all of those sources in a marathon (get it, marathon, hahaha) between about 8 AM and 5:30 PM. Took my test, then sated my hunger afterwords. I guess that might be why I dreamt about greek history, but one can never be sure.

Jeopardy! I am getting ready to come and trounce you.
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presentism is something I can totally dig [Nov. 18th, 2007|08:22 pm]
[mood | groggy]
[music |Dean Scream]

So, when people talk about the past, and the bring up slavery, we are saddled with our present morals. We think "That is so inhumane to treat people as commodities, to be used solely for manual labor without any respect for their life" etc etc.

My hope is that someday, a hundred years in the future people will look back on our culture and say "I can't believe they owned personal cars that they drove every which way! That is so horrific to treat the planet like that, they paved over so much of the earth so they could speed around in little deathmobiles" etc etc.

That is my dream for the future.
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a quest for you! [Nov. 1st, 2007|07:35 am]
[Current Location |La Casa de Su Abuelita]
[mood | ditzy]

Yes this is personally for you. I am in need of something.

It must be an olive.
It must be fresh from a tree.
No pickling, no oil.
Find me this olive.
The color does not matter.
The pit is important.
The freshness is important.

GO GO GO!


My poem is beautiful, isn't it?!
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[Oct. 30th, 2007|10:10 am]
I feel as if I am walking slowly towards a cliff. I have these other roads I should choose to follow, but every indecision is a step closer to the cliff. I think I am beginning to hate being passive. The world is engrossing, and inspiring, and limited. Why am I not taking this opportunity to follow a path of my own choosing?

God, I am an emo bitch, please cut my hair.
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A quiz for yall [Oct. 21st, 2007|08:52 am]
Without using a google search function of some sort. Tell where these lyrics are from:


Now most people think of heaven
they see those pearly gates
but I looked a little closer
and there's a sign that said "do not skate"

A prize to whichever of you I think legitimately knows this.
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And I thought I was bad at small talk [Oct. 16th, 2007|09:43 am]
[mood | amused]
[music |Heaven is a Halfpipe - OPM]

So I am biking up my hill at 9 this morning when I was finished with my first class. I'm wearing jeans and a t-shirt and i have this 25 lb monstrosity that is my backpack, and it is pouring rain.

So this woman wearing a parka and walking her dog looks to me when I am midway up the hill and says as if it is the most common thing in the world "Nice hill isn't it?"

Excuse me lady? Do you realize I am soaked and freezing and exhausting myself? Does this look enjoyable? Couldn't you just keep your mouth shut, or think of something to say that doesn't make me want to turn my bike around and run you down.
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